when I was 12 going on 13 I was dropped off at boarding school by the entire family. It was all mostly a blur, except when the car drove away with my buddies ( your aunts and uncle) and I got scared and sad. I remember running down the stairway in the middle of the classrooms that was parallel to driveway. I told myself to not fall apart I was the eldest and had to be strong. so I walked up those stairs to the dorms to meet my new "buddies". since then I've always figured if I could buck up at 12 I'll be good and strong when life happens. my wet pillows will probably say otherwise, but for the most part I've never had a major melt down or anxiety attack I can remember truly experiencing, until today!!
you and I have had the blessing that I have been able to work, study, play with you nicely wrapped on mama. being apart hasn't been a necessity. when you were still baby baby you slept a lot so I logged in a day or two of work without you, a couple weeks of Pilates at a studio and a movie. BUT that hasn't happened since november 2011. yep. last year!! so today during prayer i felt God telling me to leave you with dada when I ran my errands today. WHAT!! no biggie right.?!? I tell dada this and he "calmly" says yeah cool. then gosh darn a baby proof item needs to be returned to target. jeepers I say I guess we'll all have to go. in the garage i start feeling, this isn't right. I tell dada i'm going alone, hand you over, and wave goodbye. I have never experienced mommy guilt and thought I might get a twinge today, but i told myself, you're a big girl, be strong. Oh no! It wasn't mommy guilt it was a full on anxiety attack. And i was not strong. felt flushed, heart pounding, short quick breath and the tears would have flowed if i wasn't driving. here's the best part.. it wasn't about you because you were with your dada, so you're perfectly fine. it was ME!! I had anxiety about not having you attached to me. Pathetic much?? I promised myself I wouldn't call dada. Fail.. Called after 15mins, standing at a checkout line with only one person in front of me, feeling hot and thinking why is the cashier so slow.?!? You were fine of course. after the call I calmed a little a walked a little slower and breathed closer to normal. Pathetic much?!? by the time I was driving home I was feeling better, singing along to music and the phone rings. voice says "can I speak to Zoe's mom?" WHAT??!? It's only been 40mins! "it's the doctor's office and her results came in from Monday for her blood work.."pause -really??pause?? seriously?? "everything was negative!!" I appreciate the call, but the pause, pretty sure I stopped breathing for a second, or for a pause..haha. now it's funny. eeish
anyway we were both super excited to see each other again, but I'm glad today happened. now I can't wait to hand dada my new "mama" schedule.. hahaha delightful!!!
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